Right now

I've been having a bad time again.

Right now I'm sat on my own. I'm putting off going to bed to put off tomorrow coming along.
I feel like crying and don't know why? I have nothing to cry about other than my own bloddy misery??
It's very hard to get into words. I feel..... erratic!
I have the same negative thoughts going round my head.
This bout is coming up on Sunday and I feel like I'm going along with it for everyone elses benefit.
I feel detached from the team lately and I don't even feel like I enjoy it any more.
I've lost complete faith in my own ability and don't think I benefit the team in any way anymore.
I've been told I'm one of the better skaters but I can't help but feel that's a bit of an ego massage in case I go off the rails again on hearing the mediocre truth.
The fact that I haven't been put in to play the position I once loved and was good at confirms this for me. Yes, I was upset about it.
I feel sad cos I loved this so much...

I don't sound like me anymore. Stix said she missed me and to be honest, I miss me too.
I don't like this moody, changable, negative person I seem to be now.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to face people. I don't know how much longer I can force being happy for customers before I snap again.

I don't want to go skating tomorrow. I don't really want to face the team now. I'm embarrassed by the fact I've been so bonkers the last couple of weeks. The newer ones must think I'm a nutcase. I've hardly done anything to prove otherwise!

I could do with someone to talk to but nobody is online and I don't want to burden anyone with my crap anyway.

I don't feel suicidal but I do wish I could have some time out from life for a bit.

York

I miss the following praccy with the Imposters girls as I'm in York. I'm quite glad. I've taken the bad feeling with me and as much as I know I'm good with Nat, I can't shake off the bad feeling about going back to the team.

York is brilliant anyway. I LOVE being with Mikey. He is so good to me. He ensures we have the best time together. We eat, drink and be merry although the staying up late is out the window cos booze + tablets = drowsyitis!
Still, it has been great leaving the bad shit behind and enjoying a break with each other. My mood is good and relaxed as long as I don't think about normality.

I'm sad to leave but glad to be home to snuggle the boy and the kids.

Since the wedding...

So after the wedding things continued ok. Got on with work and routine.
on a week off with Mikey coming up we book to spend a couple of nights in York. We NEVER get to go away together so am really looking forward to it...

Things continue to go well until the Sunday before we go when I'm at practice.
Now I'm writing this from memory so maybe that day was the trigger or maybe I was iffy before but this was when my mood changed!

This practice is the day we have our bout program photos taken so I turn up clarted in make-up with pink hair. OTT as usual.
I'm jumping up and down on the spot cos I have all this energy. Tink even remarks on it. The photo's are fun as are the group shots after. Practice goes well through drills and stuff up until Queen of the track!
It's like somebody hit a switch. I'm knocked out straight away (as usual). I'm rubbish at this and I know I am. Go again and I'm one of the first out! Why? It's frustrating!
Anyway, scrimmage. Starting with my bad mood which increases throughout. Lou is track cutting and doesn't care which is winding everybody up. Everyone is a little gripey today!
Stix full on slams me against the wall and it takes me a second to realise I'm not hurt tho I expected to be. I go for revenge and she trips me. I get a penalty for it. I find myself fuming at her and can't bring myself to speak to her!
Someone pushes me over. The force is so hard I skid out of the track and hit the bags in the corner. I reckon it was a botched sacrifice until Hels tells me it was Nat on the other team performing a highly illegal shove on me. I then snap at Andrew for not seeing it and I hate myself for that but couldn't stop it!
Next jam, I'm once again tripped by either Bec or Stix and I get sent off for it. This is the straw that broke the camels back. I leave the penalty area to pack my bag and piss off home.
I'm fuming with Nat still. I don't wanna speak to her or look at her. I WILL shout at her so go for the bus as I don't want my lift.
I sit at the bus stop like a snivelly wretch, taking off the thick sweaty make up I'm clarted in, whilst I gain funny looks off the teenagers gathered at the stop. I don't give a fuck! If they say owt they'll get a mouthful from me!
Twice on the bus I stop myself texting Kat to pull out of the Leeds tournament. I don't want to skate with MMR anymore. It's no longer fun.
I get home to an awkward situation with Mike and Nat chatting between doorsteps and upset Mike cos I still can't bring myself to speak to Nat.
Eventually, I calm down enough to email Nat and say my piece. We're good after that. I can be mad at her but still value our friendship.

Debs & Marks wedding

Well it's been a little while since I last posted...
Debbies wedding was brilliant! I had a much better time than I'd expected only a week before! As brief as it was, I enjoyed travelling and staying on my own and being my own boss. The wedding was like old times with my friends (except Mikey :( of course). I even managed to drink with no adverse side effects - well, apart from a hangover...
Spent the next day in Camden and met Phill before the train home and loved it! Some nice brother sister bonding cos I've missed him.
This upbeat thing is working for me......