I've been having a bad time again.
Right now I'm sat on my own. I'm putting off going to bed to put off tomorrow coming along.
I feel like crying and don't know why? I have nothing to cry about other than my own bloddy misery??
It's very hard to get into words. I feel..... erratic!
I have the same negative thoughts going round my head.
This bout is coming up on Sunday and I feel like I'm going along with it for everyone elses benefit.
I feel detached from the team lately and I don't even feel like I enjoy it any more.
I've lost complete faith in my own ability and don't think I benefit the team in any way anymore.
I've been told I'm one of the better skaters but I can't help but feel that's a bit of an ego massage in case I go off the rails again on hearing the mediocre truth.
The fact that I haven't been put in to play the position I once loved and was good at confirms this for me. Yes, I was upset about it.
I feel sad cos I loved this so much...
I don't sound like me anymore. Stix said she missed me and to be honest, I miss me too.
I don't like this moody, changable, negative person I seem to be now.
I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to face people. I don't know how much longer I can force being happy for customers before I snap again.
I don't want to go skating tomorrow. I don't really want to face the team now. I'm embarrassed by the fact I've been so bonkers the last couple of weeks. The newer ones must think I'm a nutcase. I've hardly done anything to prove otherwise!
I could do with someone to talk to but nobody is online and I don't want to burden anyone with my crap anyway.
I don't feel suicidal but I do wish I could have some time out from life for a bit.
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
York
I miss the following praccy with the Imposters girls as I'm in York. I'm quite glad. I've taken the bad feeling with me and as much as I know I'm good with Nat, I can't shake off the bad feeling about going back to the team.
York is brilliant anyway. I LOVE being with Mikey. He is so good to me. He ensures we have the best time together. We eat, drink and be merry although the staying up late is out the window cos booze + tablets = drowsyitis!
Still, it has been great leaving the bad shit behind and enjoying a break with each other. My mood is good and relaxed as long as I don't think about normality.
I'm sad to leave but glad to be home to snuggle the boy and the kids.
York is brilliant anyway. I LOVE being with Mikey. He is so good to me. He ensures we have the best time together. We eat, drink and be merry although the staying up late is out the window cos booze + tablets = drowsyitis!
Still, it has been great leaving the bad shit behind and enjoying a break with each other. My mood is good and relaxed as long as I don't think about normality.
I'm sad to leave but glad to be home to snuggle the boy and the kids.
Since the wedding...
So after the wedding things continued ok. Got on with work and routine.
on a week off with Mikey coming up we book to spend a couple of nights in York. We NEVER get to go away together so am really looking forward to it...
Things continue to go well until the Sunday before we go when I'm at practice.
Now I'm writing this from memory so maybe that day was the trigger or maybe I was iffy before but this was when my mood changed!
This practice is the day we have our bout program photos taken so I turn up clarted in make-up with pink hair. OTT as usual.
I'm jumping up and down on the spot cos I have all this energy. Tink even remarks on it. The photo's are fun as are the group shots after. Practice goes well through drills and stuff up until Queen of the track!
It's like somebody hit a switch. I'm knocked out straight away (as usual). I'm rubbish at this and I know I am. Go again and I'm one of the first out! Why? It's frustrating!
Anyway, scrimmage. Starting with my bad mood which increases throughout. Lou is track cutting and doesn't care which is winding everybody up. Everyone is a little gripey today!
Stix full on slams me against the wall and it takes me a second to realise I'm not hurt tho I expected to be. I go for revenge and she trips me. I get a penalty for it. I find myself fuming at her and can't bring myself to speak to her!
Someone pushes me over. The force is so hard I skid out of the track and hit the bags in the corner. I reckon it was a botched sacrifice until Hels tells me it was Nat on the other team performing a highly illegal shove on me. I then snap at Andrew for not seeing it and I hate myself for that but couldn't stop it!
Next jam, I'm once again tripped by either Bec or Stix and I get sent off for it. This is the straw that broke the camels back. I leave the penalty area to pack my bag and piss off home.
I'm fuming with Nat still. I don't wanna speak to her or look at her. I WILL shout at her so go for the bus as I don't want my lift.
I sit at the bus stop like a snivelly wretch, taking off the thick sweaty make up I'm clarted in, whilst I gain funny looks off the teenagers gathered at the stop. I don't give a fuck! If they say owt they'll get a mouthful from me!
Twice on the bus I stop myself texting Kat to pull out of the Leeds tournament. I don't want to skate with MMR anymore. It's no longer fun.
I get home to an awkward situation with Mike and Nat chatting between doorsteps and upset Mike cos I still can't bring myself to speak to Nat.
Eventually, I calm down enough to email Nat and say my piece. We're good after that. I can be mad at her but still value our friendship.
on a week off with Mikey coming up we book to spend a couple of nights in York. We NEVER get to go away together so am really looking forward to it...
Things continue to go well until the Sunday before we go when I'm at practice.
Now I'm writing this from memory so maybe that day was the trigger or maybe I was iffy before but this was when my mood changed!
This practice is the day we have our bout program photos taken so I turn up clarted in make-up with pink hair. OTT as usual.
I'm jumping up and down on the spot cos I have all this energy. Tink even remarks on it. The photo's are fun as are the group shots after. Practice goes well through drills and stuff up until Queen of the track!
It's like somebody hit a switch. I'm knocked out straight away (as usual). I'm rubbish at this and I know I am. Go again and I'm one of the first out! Why? It's frustrating!
Anyway, scrimmage. Starting with my bad mood which increases throughout. Lou is track cutting and doesn't care which is winding everybody up. Everyone is a little gripey today!
Stix full on slams me against the wall and it takes me a second to realise I'm not hurt tho I expected to be. I go for revenge and she trips me. I get a penalty for it. I find myself fuming at her and can't bring myself to speak to her!
Someone pushes me over. The force is so hard I skid out of the track and hit the bags in the corner. I reckon it was a botched sacrifice until Hels tells me it was Nat on the other team performing a highly illegal shove on me. I then snap at Andrew for not seeing it and I hate myself for that but couldn't stop it!
Next jam, I'm once again tripped by either Bec or Stix and I get sent off for it. This is the straw that broke the camels back. I leave the penalty area to pack my bag and piss off home.
I'm fuming with Nat still. I don't wanna speak to her or look at her. I WILL shout at her so go for the bus as I don't want my lift.
I sit at the bus stop like a snivelly wretch, taking off the thick sweaty make up I'm clarted in, whilst I gain funny looks off the teenagers gathered at the stop. I don't give a fuck! If they say owt they'll get a mouthful from me!
Twice on the bus I stop myself texting Kat to pull out of the Leeds tournament. I don't want to skate with MMR anymore. It's no longer fun.
I get home to an awkward situation with Mike and Nat chatting between doorsteps and upset Mike cos I still can't bring myself to speak to Nat.
Eventually, I calm down enough to email Nat and say my piece. We're good after that. I can be mad at her but still value our friendship.
Monday, 18 October 2010
Debs & Marks wedding
Well it's been a little while since I last posted...
Debbies wedding was brilliant! I had a much better time than I'd expected only a week before! As brief as it was, I enjoyed travelling and staying on my own and being my own boss. The wedding was like old times with my friends (except Mikey :( of course). I even managed to drink with no adverse side effects - well, apart from a hangover...
Spent the next day in Camden and met Phill before the train home and loved it! Some nice brother sister bonding cos I've missed him.
This upbeat thing is working for me......
Debbies wedding was brilliant! I had a much better time than I'd expected only a week before! As brief as it was, I enjoyed travelling and staying on my own and being my own boss. The wedding was like old times with my friends (except Mikey :( of course). I even managed to drink with no adverse side effects - well, apart from a hangover...
Spent the next day in Camden and met Phill before the train home and loved it! Some nice brother sister bonding cos I've missed him.
This upbeat thing is working for me......
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
Week so far...
So now I'm mid week of double dosage and surprisingly devoid of the side effects I was expecting to come and get me again. Well, shitty tummy is still present but I reckon that's comeback for not going to Slimming World and eating what the fuck I like while I've been "poorly".
Today is Wednesday and I've felt surprisingly upbeat! The side effects though intense, dissapated quickly I guess and I think I'm adjusting well to them now.
I've dealt with customers well. I've had a laugh with my workmates today.
I'm actually looking forward to Debbies wedding at the weekend too! Even the excitement of doing London all on my own! :D
I hope it lasts....
Today is Wednesday and I've felt surprisingly upbeat! The side effects though intense, dissapated quickly I guess and I think I'm adjusting well to them now.
I've dealt with customers well. I've had a laugh with my workmates today.
I'm actually looking forward to Debbies wedding at the weekend too! Even the excitement of doing London all on my own! :D
I hope it lasts....
As if mental probs weren't enough.....
The weekend passes and I go skating for the first time since the meds switch. I'm dizzy. I fall over a lot! I'm also burning up and go through some drills without my helmet - at my own risk!
Arrive late and stressed and angry. Do my warm up and stretches without being able to really bring myself to speak to anyone.
As my mood relaxes I can say hello to people one by one later.
Despite the weirdness I'm still experiencing, I have an almighty urge to skate very VERY fast and feel like I'm tearing up the track doing endurance. I also feel FULL of energy and want to bounce and hop and not stay still. I feel proper alive again!
We practice offence/defense. It's brilliant, I'm in the zone! I'm getting in the passes as jammer and really having fun for the first time in what feels like ages. At last!
Next thing I realise is there's a couple of bangs and I'm on the floor clutching my head. I fell and bounced my head off the floor quite hard. Just what I need - a head injury! Great! My brain is having enough problems without being physically beaten up too!
My lovely derby wife takes me home and hands me over to Mikey in a state of confusion.
We have to discuss wether to go to hospital or not. I have worrying symptoms. I want to go to sleep and the lights are all too bright but can't decide if its symptoms or side effects and if I'd experience this anyway without the bang on the head.
Anyway just to be sure, get checked over in the LOUDEST A&E department ever. Great for the whopper of a headache I have! There's a plasma screen on the wall showing the afternoon Bond movie with a shootout scene in full swing and it seems that at least 2 chav families have brought all their kids down to watch it as they prob can't afford proper cinema! Eeesh!
Anyway, given the all clear by a very tall, slightly pissed off and apathetic doctor and sent home to finally take painkillers and have my nap. Right as rain after that.
Arrive late and stressed and angry. Do my warm up and stretches without being able to really bring myself to speak to anyone.
As my mood relaxes I can say hello to people one by one later.
Despite the weirdness I'm still experiencing, I have an almighty urge to skate very VERY fast and feel like I'm tearing up the track doing endurance. I also feel FULL of energy and want to bounce and hop and not stay still. I feel proper alive again!
We practice offence/defense. It's brilliant, I'm in the zone! I'm getting in the passes as jammer and really having fun for the first time in what feels like ages. At last!
Next thing I realise is there's a couple of bangs and I'm on the floor clutching my head. I fell and bounced my head off the floor quite hard. Just what I need - a head injury! Great! My brain is having enough problems without being physically beaten up too!
My lovely derby wife takes me home and hands me over to Mikey in a state of confusion.
We have to discuss wether to go to hospital or not. I have worrying symptoms. I want to go to sleep and the lights are all too bright but can't decide if its symptoms or side effects and if I'd experience this anyway without the bang on the head.
Anyway just to be sure, get checked over in the LOUDEST A&E department ever. Great for the whopper of a headache I have! There's a plasma screen on the wall showing the afternoon Bond movie with a shootout scene in full swing and it seems that at least 2 chav families have brought all their kids down to watch it as they prob can't afford proper cinema! Eeesh!
Anyway, given the all clear by a very tall, slightly pissed off and apathetic doctor and sent home to finally take painkillers and have my nap. Right as rain after that.
..... Anyway.... So yes, these new pills....
Started dose on Sunday evening. Work the next day was a bit "weird". Bad stomach as expected and feeling not quite all there. Shakey hands, vision weird etc.... Vivid dreams and jumpy sleep on the night.
Tuesday - Day off. Physical effects: Sleep deprived, headachey/migraine. Shitty tummy, shakes, fidgeting, hand wringing, foot tapping, brain shivers; all the works. Weird crawley uncomfortable sensation like nothing I've ever felt. Clothing and water against my skin creeping me out. Unable to bathe, dress or move. Sit in one spot on laptop for distraction, still fidgeting.
Mental effects: Paranoia, anxiety, depression, panicky, brain shivers, random crying moments etc. Odd cat naps through the day grabbing sleep when I can before my body twitches me awake.
I desperately do not want to be alone as don't feel I can cope by myself but Mikey at work on a late shift so just gotta deal with it. Though I keep thinking of my doctors words telling me to NOT be alone, especially when feeling on the brink of a mental episode.
I have so many friends/family who always say to let them know if I ever need them. This is one of those times but I cannot bring myself to burden them with me in this state.
Despite just wanting the day to end soon I find myself putting off going to bed as know I'll have to take more pills :(
So stay off work Wednesday feeling much the same but not as intense.
Thursday I go to work. Feeling completely paranoid and a bit loopy and out of control.
I have a slightly OTT laughing fit at Stephen accidentally banging his head on a desk. I can hear myself and sound insane but can't stop it.
Over dinner I'm pissed off as I can't afford food and I'm empty and hungry from all the shitting I've been doing. There's no chairs and people are selfishly not moving when they've finished eating. Feel completely and uneccessarily wound up about it. Also cannot seem to control my inner temperature and feel like I'm gonna blow!
Go downstairs and spontaneously begin to sweat and cry and hide in the training room. I cannot face another customer in my current frame of mind.
I'm found by a colleague who fetches Debi. Now I cannot stop sobbing. I feel ridiculous and embarrassed and must LOOK like a mental patient. She doesn't know what to do with me so sends me home after agreeing to let me go part time for my own sanity.
Friday I stay off - I don't want to face people. I still feel weirded out although I'm more comfortable with my mam coming round and am able to open up a bit more about how bad it's been.
Saturday I only go in to confirm my part time hours for Monday and I try not to deal with the customers and just stick doing the filing instead. Selfish yeah, but necessary in my current state!
I don't care.
Tuesday - Day off. Physical effects: Sleep deprived, headachey/migraine. Shitty tummy, shakes, fidgeting, hand wringing, foot tapping, brain shivers; all the works. Weird crawley uncomfortable sensation like nothing I've ever felt. Clothing and water against my skin creeping me out. Unable to bathe, dress or move. Sit in one spot on laptop for distraction, still fidgeting.
Mental effects: Paranoia, anxiety, depression, panicky, brain shivers, random crying moments etc. Odd cat naps through the day grabbing sleep when I can before my body twitches me awake.
I desperately do not want to be alone as don't feel I can cope by myself but Mikey at work on a late shift so just gotta deal with it. Though I keep thinking of my doctors words telling me to NOT be alone, especially when feeling on the brink of a mental episode.
I have so many friends/family who always say to let them know if I ever need them. This is one of those times but I cannot bring myself to burden them with me in this state.
Despite just wanting the day to end soon I find myself putting off going to bed as know I'll have to take more pills :(
So stay off work Wednesday feeling much the same but not as intense.
Thursday I go to work. Feeling completely paranoid and a bit loopy and out of control.
I have a slightly OTT laughing fit at Stephen accidentally banging his head on a desk. I can hear myself and sound insane but can't stop it.
Over dinner I'm pissed off as I can't afford food and I'm empty and hungry from all the shitting I've been doing. There's no chairs and people are selfishly not moving when they've finished eating. Feel completely and uneccessarily wound up about it. Also cannot seem to control my inner temperature and feel like I'm gonna blow!
Go downstairs and spontaneously begin to sweat and cry and hide in the training room. I cannot face another customer in my current frame of mind.
I'm found by a colleague who fetches Debi. Now I cannot stop sobbing. I feel ridiculous and embarrassed and must LOOK like a mental patient. She doesn't know what to do with me so sends me home after agreeing to let me go part time for my own sanity.
Friday I stay off - I don't want to face people. I still feel weirded out although I'm more comfortable with my mam coming round and am able to open up a bit more about how bad it's been.
Saturday I only go in to confirm my part time hours for Monday and I try not to deal with the customers and just stick doing the filing instead. Selfish yeah, but necessary in my current state!
I don't care.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)